Everything that comes with aging and finding love in the crannies of our worlds.
Nobody ever tells you that your body begins to ache as you age, they tell you your knees will hurt and your back will pop in ways you don’t understand but no one tells you the pain in your bones will thicken and the cloud in your mind will soften. There's something about mourning your teenage years that feels very poetic, one moment you’re 15 discovering a new emotion a new sense of being, and the next you’re 19 and your entire world just begins to unfold. There's a moment where you look back and see every different version of yourself, you see how she’s healed, how she’s been shattered, and how that made you the person you are today. If there’s anything I’ve learned within my 19 years of being a girl, being human, is that love will always be the hardest thing to move past. Loving yourself, loving others, loving the things that make us, us. Loving unconditionally will either ruin you or create you and both of those things are okay. The ache in your bones will one day make sense and the love you hold within your ribs and your palms will one day play out into effect and you’ll see every part of yourself that’s been created and molded. I wish I could look back and tell my younger self that the pit in my stomach would eventually implode and that it wouldn’t be as scary as she thought it would be.
“But to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything, what a waste.”
This quote is from my favorite movie, I think the first time I heard it I sat in my bedroom and cried until I couldn’t anymore. Being a girl you’re told to suck it up, learn, and move on. Everything seems to be moving so fast that it seems like it’s the only option. It’s not until you’re 19 and you feel every aching emotion you never allowed yourself to spit out, it's the swallowing truths that creep up and haunt you. The pit in your stomach at 16 begins to trifold into everything you hate until you’re spitting out nothing but hate, worry, insecurity, and loss. At 17 you’ve got a better grip but you still don’t understand the things and worries on your shoulders at 18 you’re an adult and you’re supposed to know what everything in your head means. At 19 you’re a year closer to 20 and everything slowly but surely starts to make sense even if it’s not something you comprehend yet. The pit in your stomach unfolds, you unfold, you become what you’ve been so scared to be. I’m here to tell you that being what you feel is okay and that allowing yourself to feel everything as it comes will heal the broken ribs and cracked mind. We try and understand everything around us, we ask questions, we look for clarity, and we look for God when we don’t know where to find the things that life hides from us, but it’s not until you’re old enough to realize that you never took a moment to understand yourself, to understand why you felt the way you did. We all deserve compassion from others but most importantly ourselves. At the end of the day, we’re still the little girls who would wonder what they’d look like when they’re older.
9 things I learned by 19 and why they matter.
You will learn to love like a dog, but at the end of the day, the love for yourself should be bigger than the love you can’t control.
Don’t create pits, stop digging, instead start looking, start feeling, start listening.
You won’t find silence in your head, silence is hidden in your heart.
Protecting your peace should be protecting your mind not drowning in people and emotions you don’t understand.
Loving people hurts and comes at a cost but you will find love so grand and understand why you deserve it.
Music heals. That’s self-explanatory.
Being a teenager is not your peak, there is more to see, meet, and feel. There is more of you.
Your first heartbreak comes in threes. Pain, acceptance, introspection. You will love again and you will find all different kinds of love.
Making mistakes comes with aging, you will make them, you will learn from them, and they make you, YOU.
We are all human, we are all figuring things out as we go. Love who you want, love who you are and who you will be and you’ll find comfort in acceptance in the moments where things feel dark.